State of the WHAT?!?!?!

[The following takes place between the hours of 9 and 10:15pm EST. Editor's note: all typos and formatting will be corrected after the speech]

As I am writing this, every news station in the country is introducing the State of the Union Address which is set to begin in about 5-10 minutes. For those who know my political views, the analysis that follows should not be looked at with hatred towards anyone. In fact most of what you will read is not even the opinion of DotCW, rather a sarcastic, cynic, and humorous commentary of the speech itself. Calling the Commander in Chief "Barry" is not to mock, but simply shows how close he and I are.

Okay, so two old guys just introduced our President and he came out to a thunderous applause. My first observation is that he's wearing a red tie so he's out for blood. That can't be right, as he hasn't made a single important decision yet or wielded that big presidential stick. C'mon, we're the US of #$@%'n A.

He's making his way to the podium, stopping to shake hands with everyone on the way. In all my years watching this speech, Barry is the first to relish his celebrity status. He might as well sign autographs along the way. It's like I'm a kid at a ballgame catching players before the game who make their way down the lines greeting fans during warmups and signing anything you put in their faces.

And we begin....

[Editor's note: If someone wants to count how many times Barry drops an "um..." or refers to himself in the speech (I, president, myself, etc), I would greatly appreciate it and may offer a nice reward]

He opens with the history of the State of the Union and followed by recounting all the problems when he took office. Mind you, many of which were exacerbated by his actions and inactions.

What a great country we are--the strength and resilience of the people. CLAPPING. [Wow, Nancy Pelosi really does clap like a seal!]

And here comes the scaring. Put all your kids to bed or don't let them watch this. Barry is not a supporter of the bank bailouts but called them necessary. [Hey Biden, wipe that stupid grin off your face--don't you know you're on camera.]

TAXES: I didn't file yet but he's saying that taxes were cut for 95% of the people. [That isn't entirely true.] Theoretically there are tax cuts and credits available or eligible for up to 95% of the people BUT that doesn't mean that they will take advantage of them. Will everyone making less than $150,000 actually buy a home just for an $8,000 credit?

Mr. President thinks he's a comedian. [I just flew in from Camp David and boy are my arms tired.]

JOBS: Yes, we need jobs. [DUH!! But to create jobs we need to spend money. We can't spend money because we just instituted a freeze, you've spent in records amount in the past year, and for other reasons this economics major can't think of right now.] Hmmm... take bank money repaid from the bailouts to extend credit to small businesses. [Uh, Barry, we have a problem. Banks aren't too keen on lending right now. Maybe you missed that memo.]

There goes Pelosi again clapping like a seal because Barry gave a shout out to the House. [Kudos Madame Speaker but feeding time is at 11am sharp.]

So far Mr. President has impressed me for not yet using his trademarked "uh." He does still like to refer to himself a lot. What happened to "WE the people"? I get it, I love myself too. But there are times when humility is a little more important.

Finally something both Democrats and Republicans can both stand up and cheer for: this country should not take second place to any other nation in the world. CLAPPING!

Here comes more talk of spending lots of money. ENERGY. Nucular! [Sorry, still thinking about the past 8 years.] Energy and climate bill? [That doesn't work for me. I will drive whatever I want, whenever I want. Let the hippies mock me in their Priuseseseses. I'll give them the courtesy wave as I blow right past them.]

[Where does he come up with some of these numbers???] Double our exports to create 2 million jobs? [I've got a better idea: make it more difficult for foreign products to enter this country so cheaply. Do you know why American cars can't compete in Japan? It's because they make it so difficult by charging high taxes making it cost prohibitive to import or even manufacture American cars in Japan. We should treat them the same way with their goods.]

EDUCATION: [Been there done that. I spent my 21 years in school.] Let's make it more affordable. And onto student loans. Nice incentives for working in the public service. Loan forgiveness for those who want to make $30,000 for 20 years. [Totally worth it!]

HEALTHCARE: Yes, we need reform. [But do we need a ridiculously expensive program that's over 1700 pages long?] Ooooh another joke by Barry. LAUGHS. Barry just promised he will not walk away from this issue. [Here's an idea: keep it simple stupid.] Barry just asked both houses of Congress and both parties for any better ideas they may have. [Hey guys, go do what you're paid to do and get on it! Git-r-dun!]

THE BLAME GAME: The deficit. All of this was Bush's fault. [Uh, not exactly. The wars and attacks on this nation were not his fault and at the time necessary. And for those calling out for a full troop withdrawal, that's going to cost a lot more and not just in dollars. When a recession hits, let's not spend in record amounts.]

Wow. I really thought he was going to say that he's freezing national security expenses. Turns out that was one of three areas that would not be frozen. [PHEW!]

This is a fun game. When Barry says something dem Dems like they stand up and clap, and when it's something the Republicans like they stand and clap.

Camera just panned through the crowd. Who are the two women wearing bright yellow suits? Didn't you know the dress code for the evening was a dark suit with a white, gray, or blue shirt? Men must only wear red or blue ties.

BARRY vs. SUPREME COURT:

Barry: Hey you guys in the robes down there. You blew it with your last decision on special interest funding.

Judges: [just sit there with blank stares or give him the "oh no he di'nt" head stare]

[You can't call out the Supreme Court in the State of the Union. That's one of those unwritten rules. It's also unprofessional, in poor taste, and beyond arrogant]

BIPARTISANSHIP: Can't we all just get along? Why does one party have to win at the expense of the other? [I blame the Democrats for that one.] Barry just called for monthly joint meetings with leaders from both parties. [Funny, the Republicans have been excluded from everything for the past year and it was your doing. Did you see the light? Was there a tunnel?]

THE WARS: I can't believe it took almost 50 minutes to finally mention the war beyond a quick mention of it in discussing the deficit. He thinks all the troops will be out of Iraq by August. [Anyone wanna place bets on this?]

Ooops. Pelosi almost stood up when she was not supposed to. Slightly embarrassing but it least she wasn't caught using her middle finger to "scratch an itch on her face."

PEACE TREATIES: With Russia? Guess he doesn't watch all those spy movies. The Russians cannot be trusted. There's a reason that Russians have been the bad guys in so many Bond movies and that Jack Bauer is chasing them in 24 [Editor's note: that's my second 24 reference without ever watching the show.]

PROMISES: Well he's made lots so far but here are a slew of new ones. End employment discrimination. [Honestly I thought that ended when we finally allowed (read: voted) a black man to the office of president.] Oh wait, he meant between men and women. Put an end to don't ask don't tell and sexual discrimination in the military. [Hey, if there's enemy fire and I'm in the trenches, let a gay soldier jump on me and shield me.] He's winding down and he finally touched on gays and women. [Can you make them more of an afterthought?]

I just got a shout it!!!! Okay technically he called me out but I'll take what I can get. Barry mentioned there's too much cynicism out there.

THE END. And may dog bless America. (sorry, keyboard dyslexia)

Happy Saturday!

I make the rules so I can change them on a whim.

To keep things light for the weekend, I decided to share (read: subject you to) a clip I found online. The clip features Andy Richter (formerly of Late Night with Conan O'Brien and some failed pilots) and some other guy.



To which I say "take that you Prius-driving hippies!"

Pimp My Ride - Executive Edition

Someone had this great idea a few years back of giving some rapper a piece of junk on four wheels for him to turn into a piece of junk of four wheels with a hideous paint-job and toys that no one would ever use. Only on MTV!

The show had a modest following and they've "pimped" all sorts of cars.

Today we are "pimping" the presidential limousine. Why? Because we can! Also because the most powerful man in the world should have the most awesome vehicle. We all know how ginormous his car is, given the 2-inch think armored windows, 6-inch thick armored doors, and the ability to withstand attacks from the best that over 170 countries can throw at it. I should also add that this "car" is almost as tall as our president and taller than some secret servicemen, rides on truck tires, and can probably off-road as well as most SUVs. Let's just say this Cadillac looks like a car but most suspect it's based on a GM truck platform. There's a reason that insiders have called this limo "The Beast." The exact specs for President Obama's car are classified (shocker!).

There are just a few guidelines to "pimping" such a vehicle. First, we cannot disrespect the car or rider by giving it a crazy paint job. If we are going to add an insane sound system, it can only play "Hail to the Chief." I thought about putting a giant flag on the hood but this isn't Washington Heights (and Obama isn't Dominican). Finally, no spoilers that look like park benches.

So here's the plan:
1. Lot's of chrome.
If applied properly, chrome denotes wealth. If applied incorrectly, it looks straight out of Compton. The Cadillac grille could use a little more shine and maybe some trim. OK, while I'm out it, why not model the chrome add-ons after this beauty spotted in Dubai.

2. Spinners.
How do you stop any potential assassination attempts? Distract them with the hypnotic powers of spinners. You think Lee Harvey Oswald (or that secret shooter) would have hit JFK if his car had spinners?

3. Killer sound system.
After much consideration, I think it would be the coolest thing if the presidential motorcade drove by blasting "Hail to the Chief." Turn up the base and put a giant subwoofer in the trunk. Now we're in business. Save the police sirens for an emergency.

4. Toys.
All good "pimpings" need to have toys. Considering the limo already has multiple phones (and lines), satellite TV, world radio, a well stocked bar, and the ability to control our nuclear arsenal (hopefully not while he's raiding the bar), what else does he need? Roll-out spike strips, oil slicks, smoke screens, and machine guns/rocket launchers straight out of James Bond's Aston Martin. Maybe Q and Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman in the new Batman movies) can get together and discuss other ideas.

NAME THAT MOVIE: "Hail to the chief cuz I'm the chief and I need hailing"

PS: How white am I that I use quotes around "pimped" and "pimping?"