State of the WHAT?!?!?!

[The following takes place between the hours of 9 and 10:15pm EST. Editor's note: all typos and formatting will be corrected after the speech]

As I am writing this, every news station in the country is introducing the State of the Union Address which is set to begin in about 5-10 minutes. For those who know my political views, the analysis that follows should not be looked at with hatred towards anyone. In fact most of what you will read is not even the opinion of DotCW, rather a sarcastic, cynic, and humorous commentary of the speech itself. Calling the Commander in Chief "Barry" is not to mock, but simply shows how close he and I are.

Okay, so two old guys just introduced our President and he came out to a thunderous applause. My first observation is that he's wearing a red tie so he's out for blood. That can't be right, as he hasn't made a single important decision yet or wielded that big presidential stick. C'mon, we're the US of #$@%'n A.

He's making his way to the podium, stopping to shake hands with everyone on the way. In all my years watching this speech, Barry is the first to relish his celebrity status. He might as well sign autographs along the way. It's like I'm a kid at a ballgame catching players before the game who make their way down the lines greeting fans during warmups and signing anything you put in their faces.

And we begin....

[Editor's note: If someone wants to count how many times Barry drops an "um..." or refers to himself in the speech (I, president, myself, etc), I would greatly appreciate it and may offer a nice reward]

He opens with the history of the State of the Union and followed by recounting all the problems when he took office. Mind you, many of which were exacerbated by his actions and inactions.

What a great country we are--the strength and resilience of the people. CLAPPING. [Wow, Nancy Pelosi really does clap like a seal!]

And here comes the scaring. Put all your kids to bed or don't let them watch this. Barry is not a supporter of the bank bailouts but called them necessary. [Hey Biden, wipe that stupid grin off your face--don't you know you're on camera.]

TAXES: I didn't file yet but he's saying that taxes were cut for 95% of the people. [That isn't entirely true.] Theoretically there are tax cuts and credits available or eligible for up to 95% of the people BUT that doesn't mean that they will take advantage of them. Will everyone making less than $150,000 actually buy a home just for an $8,000 credit?

Mr. President thinks he's a comedian. [I just flew in from Camp David and boy are my arms tired.]

JOBS: Yes, we need jobs. [DUH!! But to create jobs we need to spend money. We can't spend money because we just instituted a freeze, you've spent in records amount in the past year, and for other reasons this economics major can't think of right now.] Hmmm... take bank money repaid from the bailouts to extend credit to small businesses. [Uh, Barry, we have a problem. Banks aren't too keen on lending right now. Maybe you missed that memo.]

There goes Pelosi again clapping like a seal because Barry gave a shout out to the House. [Kudos Madame Speaker but feeding time is at 11am sharp.]

So far Mr. President has impressed me for not yet using his trademarked "uh." He does still like to refer to himself a lot. What happened to "WE the people"? I get it, I love myself too. But there are times when humility is a little more important.

Finally something both Democrats and Republicans can both stand up and cheer for: this country should not take second place to any other nation in the world. CLAPPING!

Here comes more talk of spending lots of money. ENERGY. Nucular! [Sorry, still thinking about the past 8 years.] Energy and climate bill? [That doesn't work for me. I will drive whatever I want, whenever I want. Let the hippies mock me in their Priuseseseses. I'll give them the courtesy wave as I blow right past them.]

[Where does he come up with some of these numbers???] Double our exports to create 2 million jobs? [I've got a better idea: make it more difficult for foreign products to enter this country so cheaply. Do you know why American cars can't compete in Japan? It's because they make it so difficult by charging high taxes making it cost prohibitive to import or even manufacture American cars in Japan. We should treat them the same way with their goods.]

EDUCATION: [Been there done that. I spent my 21 years in school.] Let's make it more affordable. And onto student loans. Nice incentives for working in the public service. Loan forgiveness for those who want to make $30,000 for 20 years. [Totally worth it!]

HEALTHCARE: Yes, we need reform. [But do we need a ridiculously expensive program that's over 1700 pages long?] Ooooh another joke by Barry. LAUGHS. Barry just promised he will not walk away from this issue. [Here's an idea: keep it simple stupid.] Barry just asked both houses of Congress and both parties for any better ideas they may have. [Hey guys, go do what you're paid to do and get on it! Git-r-dun!]

THE BLAME GAME: The deficit. All of this was Bush's fault. [Uh, not exactly. The wars and attacks on this nation were not his fault and at the time necessary. And for those calling out for a full troop withdrawal, that's going to cost a lot more and not just in dollars. When a recession hits, let's not spend in record amounts.]

Wow. I really thought he was going to say that he's freezing national security expenses. Turns out that was one of three areas that would not be frozen. [PHEW!]

This is a fun game. When Barry says something dem Dems like they stand up and clap, and when it's something the Republicans like they stand and clap.

Camera just panned through the crowd. Who are the two women wearing bright yellow suits? Didn't you know the dress code for the evening was a dark suit with a white, gray, or blue shirt? Men must only wear red or blue ties.

BARRY vs. SUPREME COURT:

Barry: Hey you guys in the robes down there. You blew it with your last decision on special interest funding.

Judges: [just sit there with blank stares or give him the "oh no he di'nt" head stare]

[You can't call out the Supreme Court in the State of the Union. That's one of those unwritten rules. It's also unprofessional, in poor taste, and beyond arrogant]

BIPARTISANSHIP: Can't we all just get along? Why does one party have to win at the expense of the other? [I blame the Democrats for that one.] Barry just called for monthly joint meetings with leaders from both parties. [Funny, the Republicans have been excluded from everything for the past year and it was your doing. Did you see the light? Was there a tunnel?]

THE WARS: I can't believe it took almost 50 minutes to finally mention the war beyond a quick mention of it in discussing the deficit. He thinks all the troops will be out of Iraq by August. [Anyone wanna place bets on this?]

Ooops. Pelosi almost stood up when she was not supposed to. Slightly embarrassing but it least she wasn't caught using her middle finger to "scratch an itch on her face."

PEACE TREATIES: With Russia? Guess he doesn't watch all those spy movies. The Russians cannot be trusted. There's a reason that Russians have been the bad guys in so many Bond movies and that Jack Bauer is chasing them in 24 [Editor's note: that's my second 24 reference without ever watching the show.]

PROMISES: Well he's made lots so far but here are a slew of new ones. End employment discrimination. [Honestly I thought that ended when we finally allowed (read: voted) a black man to the office of president.] Oh wait, he meant between men and women. Put an end to don't ask don't tell and sexual discrimination in the military. [Hey, if there's enemy fire and I'm in the trenches, let a gay soldier jump on me and shield me.] He's winding down and he finally touched on gays and women. [Can you make them more of an afterthought?]

I just got a shout it!!!! Okay technically he called me out but I'll take what I can get. Barry mentioned there's too much cynicism out there.

THE END. And may dog bless America. (sorry, keyboard dyslexia)

Ode to Summer

Summer is officially here everybody! Who's excited? I can't hear you. I said, "who's excited?" I could either sit here and retype that exchange until I start hearing actual voices or I can go on with my post. It might make an interesting read for you guys if I went nuts over a blog post and wind up a like a stunt dummy on Harper's Island (if you don't get the reference, only 6 episodes to catch up on).

Most of us probably got out of work early on Friday (myself included) so we can really make the most of the long holiday weekend. I can tell you that here in the NYC area, the weather has been great since early last week. [Editor's note: It may be longer than that but my memory will only go back that far.] I bet your weekend plans are probably very similar to mine and likely involve the 3-B's--beaches, barbecues, and booze. Ironically [Editor's note: there is no actual irony here, but I like the way the word fits] we all tend to forget the real reason we have this long weekend.

Folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the start of summer is not an actual holiday. I, for one, has been to the beach about a dozen times already. I don't make a habit of wearing white but if I did, it wouldn't necessarily start now or end on Labor Day. Then again I don't travel with the snooty crowd and go yachting with men in crested blazers and women who wear big hats. Does Memorial Day mean anything anymore?

So while this is the first official day of summer, beaches can now charge us to tan, and we can start wearing white again (but only until Labor Day), please don't forget what's really important. On this memorial day, make a point to remember all those men and women who fought for this country and continue to keep us safe. This year we should also remember that Nancy Pelosi is a threat to national security (but that's another post for another time).

Time for the Z-Man to get his barbecue ready for tonight. Be safe!

Don't you hate it when this happens...

Reporters call Hillary Clinton, get phone sex line
From CNN Ticker Producer Alexander Mooney

(CNN) – Journalists who dialed in to a White House conference call Thursday hoping for a media-friendly reception got a far friendlier response than they were counting on.

Instead of hearing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Advisor Jim Jones on the other end laying out foreign policy and security threats, reporters were greeted by a recording on a phone sex line.

"Do you have any hidden desires? If you feel like getting nasty, then you came to the right place," said a suggestive-sounding woman.

The White House says an aide merely mistyped the 800-dial in number — a mistake not likely to happen again.

It's a new administration, but an old problem: Some homeowners seeking mortgage relief from a Bush administration hotline in 2007 instead reached a Texas-based group that provides Christian education after President Bush slightly jumbled the correct number at a press briefing.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/02/reporters-want-hillary-clinton-get-phone-sex-line/


Z-Man's take: Guess it's a nice change from when calls to phone sex lines originated in the White House. Then again, I never thought I would read anything about sex and that other Clinton fella in the same sentence. Oh how things come to a complete circle.

Happy Friday!

Pimp My Ride - Executive Edition

Someone had this great idea a few years back of giving some rapper a piece of junk on four wheels for him to turn into a piece of junk of four wheels with a hideous paint-job and toys that no one would ever use. Only on MTV!

The show had a modest following and they've "pimped" all sorts of cars.

Today we are "pimping" the presidential limousine. Why? Because we can! Also because the most powerful man in the world should have the most awesome vehicle. We all know how ginormous his car is, given the 2-inch think armored windows, 6-inch thick armored doors, and the ability to withstand attacks from the best that over 170 countries can throw at it. I should also add that this "car" is almost as tall as our president and taller than some secret servicemen, rides on truck tires, and can probably off-road as well as most SUVs. Let's just say this Cadillac looks like a car but most suspect it's based on a GM truck platform. There's a reason that insiders have called this limo "The Beast." The exact specs for President Obama's car are classified (shocker!).

There are just a few guidelines to "pimping" such a vehicle. First, we cannot disrespect the car or rider by giving it a crazy paint job. If we are going to add an insane sound system, it can only play "Hail to the Chief." I thought about putting a giant flag on the hood but this isn't Washington Heights (and Obama isn't Dominican). Finally, no spoilers that look like park benches.

So here's the plan:
1. Lot's of chrome.
If applied properly, chrome denotes wealth. If applied incorrectly, it looks straight out of Compton. The Cadillac grille could use a little more shine and maybe some trim. OK, while I'm out it, why not model the chrome add-ons after this beauty spotted in Dubai.

2. Spinners.
How do you stop any potential assassination attempts? Distract them with the hypnotic powers of spinners. You think Lee Harvey Oswald (or that secret shooter) would have hit JFK if his car had spinners?

3. Killer sound system.
After much consideration, I think it would be the coolest thing if the presidential motorcade drove by blasting "Hail to the Chief." Turn up the base and put a giant subwoofer in the trunk. Now we're in business. Save the police sirens for an emergency.

4. Toys.
All good "pimpings" need to have toys. Considering the limo already has multiple phones (and lines), satellite TV, world radio, a well stocked bar, and the ability to control our nuclear arsenal (hopefully not while he's raiding the bar), what else does he need? Roll-out spike strips, oil slicks, smoke screens, and machine guns/rocket launchers straight out of James Bond's Aston Martin. Maybe Q and Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman in the new Batman movies) can get together and discuss other ideas.

NAME THAT MOVIE: "Hail to the chief cuz I'm the chief and I need hailing"

PS: How white am I that I use quotes around "pimped" and "pimping?"

Things that Bother Me

I may have mentioned at some point that I have no patience or tolerance. It's true. With that I bring you some of things that have bothered me lately.

Here's a collection of just a few of the things that have gotten under my skin:

1. Nancy Pelosi
OK, I get that people from California are strange and different but Madame Speaker of the House is trying to turn this country into China, and not the good kind of China. Part of the new trillion dollar economic "stimulus" plan (yes, TRILLION) includes birth control funding. Her reasoning is that "it will reduce costs to the states and federal government." (Source: ABC's This Week with George "My Last Name is a Spelling Test" Stephanopoulos). Next she's going allow Americans to keep only one child. Keep the first male child and throw the girls into the Potomac.

This comes from a woman with 5 children and, as of this posting, 6 grandchildren.

2. Hugh Jackman
How does a guy go from Wolverine on X-men to this? I don't care if you've been voted hottest man alive by a bunch of middle-aged women, you can't be Wolverine and that guy opposite Siegfried in "Siegfried and Roy." Next we'll have Clay Aiken star as the next Batman.

3. Foreign Currencies with Ridiculous Conversion Rates
Go to Japan with a crisp $20 bill and what do you get? A little over 1818 Japanese yen. 2 million of these yen will fetch you a stripped Toyota Camry while $2 million will land you any exotic supercar. I've never been to Japan but hope the smallest paper bill is a 100 yen note. I know I get excited when I look into my wallet when I see anything with a $100. If I were in Japan right now I would be carrying around roughly 5158 yen.

This goes for any country with similar conversion rates!

4. Bush Bashing
Over the last few years, Bush bashing was the "in" thing. Whether it's celebs during award shows, athletes, or the media. You know why people don't take us seriously anymore? Maybe it's because this country doesn't show any respect to the office of the president. Like the man or not, respect him for the position he holds. I know I would never want that position.

On a related note, where's Obama's exit strategy? Sure, let's close Guantanamo Bay, but where are you going to put all the prisoners? You can always send em home so we can read later that they are high ranking terrorists in Yemen. Maybe he can send em to California and reopen those internment camps that have been vacant since WWII. The media would just love that.

5. Corporate Greed
When business is booming, we love big business but in recessions, they are evil. I personally have no problem with them so long as greed never exceeds profits. The big 3 automakers got lynched for flying to D.C. in their private jets for congressional hearings to ask for money. Banks are already getting their share $700 billion and now I read that Citigroup is ready to take delivery of a rare $50 million jet. There are only 9 in the entire U.S. Way to properly spend our $45 billion in tax dollars to turn your company around.

BUT WAIT, it actually gets worse. The plane was made in France!

6. Versus and Dish Network
Versus what? Remember that station OLN? You know it...the hunting and fishing channel. Now I don't watch hunting or fishing, and have never gone hunting, but my hatred for Versus runs deep. You see, a few years back, they outbid ESPN for rights to NHL coverage. As a Rangers fan I watch most games on MSG, but on occasion Versus has the rights to the game and it's blacked out on MSG. Worse, they have the rights to the NHL All-Star Game and skills competition. It took awhile before Versus was even available to those non-rabbit ear users.

For some reason Versus is part of a premium package on Dish Network after Comcast (owns Versus) first didn't provide Versus to them. So in all my roughly 200 channels, I don't get versus and on the NFL bye week (read: no football, for you non-sportsfans) I did not get to watch the NHL All-Star Game. Stay tuned for a possible award nomination (I'm not going to say which award) for one of the parties involved with #6 come playoffs.

7. Hugh Jackman

So I Was Thinking...

Yes, that might be a dangerous thing but hear me out. There are lots of people in this world who should not be allowed to think (Ted Kaczynski for example) and others who probably should think a little more often (anyone who goes on the Maury show with 8 kids and looking for her babies' daddies). As for me, thinking has gotten me in trouble, but most of the time it has served me well.

Then again if you didn't want me to think, why would you be reading my blog?

On the eve of New York Governor David Paterson announcing who will be replacing Hillary Clinton as Senator (thankfully it will not be a Kennedy), I began to think about how we got into this mess.

Our favorite Senator/carpetbagger loved New York so much, and after praising this great state decided she would rather be in the cabinet (female chauvinists do your thing) of President Obama. That leaves the appointment up to Governor David Paterson who from up close can't even tell the difference between Hillary Clinton and Caroline Kennedy.

So what's Governor Paterson's deal? David Paterson was previously the Lieutenant Governor of New York until recently, when he took office after ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer got caught up in a scandal...Something to do with a Jersey girl (first mistake), $5,000/hour (second mistake) and his inability to hide it (third mistake).

But was it really about his involvement in with an (expensive) escort service?

NOPE. He would have gotten away with it and probably have been praised but for two mistakes. First, he couldn't hide it well. Second, we needed a fall guy given the state of the economy. Everyone needs money and New York State is no exception. Had Gov. Spitzer been with a call girl from New York, who reported all her income on her state tax return (miscellaneous income anyone?), New York would get the revenue and Spitzer would not have gone down faster than blue ice from an airplane.

The moral of the story, those seven deadly sins can actually kill--a political career.

In honor of Spitzer, Paterson, Clinton and Kennedy, I bring you today's song of the day:
The Unprotected by Cavalier King

Living the I-Society

...no, it's not a new product from Apple.

There are few things I enjoy more than getting dressed up and pretending to be part of high society. I am not rich, in fact I have a law degree and only a part-time job, while carrying a boatload of debt. That still doesn't mean that I can't pretend I'm wealthy every so often. We're talking about attending fundraisers for causes I believe in, networking events with those more successful than I, and the occasional movie premiere (and party). The return on this investment makes it all worth it as I get good use of my tux and suits while also enjoying the networking, catered meals, and open bars. To be honest, the "high society" that I meet at these events are no different than I am--other than a bloated salary. We both need a private elevator car to fit our egos.

This rant is geared towards the I-Society, or the society of "me." We're living in a time where selfishness is prevelant. We fail to se how our actions can impact others. No, I'm not going to segue into global warming (ehem, SHAM!) or socialism. We all know that socialism does not work. Even kibbutz life is on the decline and that is the longest surviving instance of working socialism. I will break my rule about not delving into politics (because I can) and say that any plan to redistrbute wealth on a national level is just a terrible idea (but it does work in professional sports).

ANYWAY, I'm thinking that the problem lies with Apple. Ladies and gentleman, I stand here today to tell you that Steve Jobs is the root of the downturn of society. I don't (really) mean that literally. Apple has made its resurgence with products that preach to the I-Society. Take the iMac, designed with the user in mind, which in many ways outperforms the PC (and looks nicer). Ever hear of the iPod or iPhone? Same thing! Now people ride the subways with their little white earbuds and tune out the world. Marketing an entire portfolio of products that start with "I" is subliminally turning us away from human interaction leading to an inability to function as a society.

Coming soon to a MacWorld convention:
1. The iTown: small parcels of land in their own bubbles; similar to a garage door, a latch at the top of the bubble allows the flying iCars to get residents to and from home.
2. The iStoop: individual stoops for bums to gather with their booze in brown bags; never again will bums congregate on a single stoop
3. The iCan: a briefcase that when opened becomes a personal toilet; never again will peopel have to share a bathroom. Kinda looks like the original iBook BEWARE: if you run out of toilet paper, don't expect anyone to share a square.

CONFESSION: Forgive me William Gates for I have sinned. I gave in to the temptation of greed and own an iPod shuffle (only cost me $100,000) and the sin of lust. In my defense, the iPhone looks so cool!