Holy %@#$, I'm an Attorney!

I may have mentioned that I lived through three years of law school--a fate I would only wish on my closest enemies. Looking back on those three painful years, I think the only thing I really got out of was a numbing of my brain and nerve cells [neurons of the science geeks, brain stuff for the law geeks] responsible for excitement. What would ordinarily be happy times or the usual time for celebration of law related milestones turned out to be just going through the motions.

[Congrats law school, I guess that means you've taken my soul and now I can proceed to actually practicing law]

So why am I telling you all this?

After my last final exam, I went home and took a nap. There was no celebrating, rather I simply went on with my regular life. [Editor's note: I always made a point to separate my law school life and my personal life] After my law school graduation, I went for dinner with my family and then to a graduation party. At the party, I didn't have any of those "dude, we graduated law school" moments.

Then came the bar exam in July. Those were some good times! After I finished, I called a friend of mine who was obviously a lot more excited than I was. She asked me why I wasn't all excited and I told her that I guess it hadn't hit me yet [and didn't for another 7 months]. I was glad it was over and that a weight was lifted off of me, but maybe I couldn't celebrate a process that wasn't complete until the results came out in November.

The results came out on a Friday in mid-November. After trying to log in for 4 hours, I finally got the news that I passed. [yay!] Again, my friends and family were excited and I was just glad it was over. That Saturday night I went out with some pre-law school friends and did our usual weekend whatnots. [Editor's note: once you start law school, your life is divided into 2 parts--before and after]

Fast forward to last night. I was invited to a costume party and being on a tight budget, I was trying to put something together for cheap. I know my brother has a set of real scrubs. [He's not a doctor but "borrowed" them from a hospital] We all know how much I love the show Scrubs so I decided to go as J.D., Zach Braff's character. I had a little free time yesterday so I started toying with an ID tag, as all the doctors at Sacred Heart (fictional hospital on the show) wear.

At the party people were asking if I came straight from work or if that was a costume. A few people actually saw my ID around my neck and figured out my character. [Apparently not enough people at this party were familiar with the show.] I had a great time at the party but that's not the point of this post.

After spending some time at this place and a few drinks, I slowly made my way out. As I was leaving, some guy asked if I was a doctor. Fair question and he seemed reasonably sober. I paused and said "No, actually I'm an attorney." I guess that's the closest to a "Holy %@#$", I'm an Attorney!" moment I'll get.













[I got some mad fake ID skillz!]

Digitus Medius Award Nominee #2

It seems like just yesterday I introduced the Digitus Medius Award and announced the first nominee. Well considering the world we live in (the I-Society) this second nominee comes as no surprise...

FOR SALE: Kidney - gently used, asking $1,500,000 or best offer

The New York Post reports that Dr. Richard Batista is asking his ex-wife for his kidney back. In 2001, Dr. Batista's wife needed a kidney and the husband was a match. They divorced in 2005 and he claims that after the way he was treated, he now wants his kidney back. The doctor alleges that she cheated on him and then dragged him through an ugly divorce. Divorce lawyer to the stars (on Long Island, at least) Dominic Barbara insists that he doesn't actually want the kidney back, rather he just wants the value of that kidney, which apparently is a cool $1.5 million. CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK IN AISLE 7? Why he didn't just factor that into the divorce settlement boggles the mind! Someone has been reading a little too deeply into the concept of "an eye for an eye."

Now I called the writer at the New York Post and I got the scoop. What the media is withholding from the rest of you commoners is that this family squabble is just another way to make money. Think of the merchandising possibilities. This "couple" has already made a number of filings with the US Patent and Trademark Office.

The real story goes something like this: The couple is actually a lot closer than just husband and wife. In fact my sources say that they are not even married. They are however brother and sister. Let's be honest here--the odds of being a perfect match to donate a kidney is 1 in 700,000. That means that in the United States there are only 428 possible matches. Somehow the ex-wife found a husband and match for kidney donor within that pool of 428--YEAH RIGHT!

As a J.D. not yet admitted, I feel the need to point out that the sale of organs is illegal in the US. Furthermore, the kidney was donated when they were on good terms and was a GIFT. Gifts by nature are irrevocable. Sorry Doc but KABOOM--you've been lawyered!

If this woman was as awful as you made her to be, and cheated on you as you allege, why didn't you come out better in the divorce? If the wife didn't obey a custody order take her to court again. Here's an idea: while she's sleeping, break into her house and cut out the kidney yourself (you are a doctor); spare us and leave the courts out of this too. To ask for the kidney back and seek all this attention is pathetic. Or do what the rest of us do, have her give a mutual friend all your personal items and you do the same. That friend will return all the items to their original owners.

Dr. Richard Batista, you are the second nominee for a Digitus Medius Award! Expect an invitation to the newest award show early next year.