I'm Baaaaaack!!!

Wow, it's been awhile since I painted this space with letters, words, sentences, and assorted drivel. It's been a very interesting ride to say the least. A lot has happened since May and in due time I will catch you all up on all the craziness.

Before the recap of the past seven months, that I will try to condense to something that one can read over a coast-to-coast flight (you do still recall my knack for succinctness), I would like to announce some changes that will take place here at DotCW.

Last year was an experiment in blogging. Now, expect a slightly more professional style (translation: no more typos). That experiment lasted only five months but this time I plan to keep it going for the long haul. The topics will remain the same although a Digitus Medius spinoff is not out of the question. I will continue to post random musings and rant about anything, but I will also post updates on my business developments. Don't worry, this will not become a business blog. I will still keep things light the only way I know how--sarcasm and mono-syllabic words.

So here's what you all missed. I'm sure you will instantly recognize the tune (it's quite popular among my Jews).

12 weeks using Twitter,
11 weeks learning Twitter,
10 trips to the beach,
9 something somethings,
8 commandments broken,
7 month blog hiatus,
6 states visited,
5 dollar (parking) ticket,
4 failed '09 resolutions,
3 new blogs followed,
2 surgeries,
and few surprising courtesy waves!

Happy 2010 Internet People!!!

And for those keeping score at home...

...and you should be, let's have a little recap based on yesterday's post:

1. I got three less than friendly emails regarding a sarcastic comment about abortion. Look, it's your body do what you want--until it becomes my child!

2. I was tempted to watch last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother again just for laughs (but I didn't)

3. I was however so inspired by that episode that my period of inspiration extended to this exact moment in time as I type this, making this two posts in two days (again, for those of you keeping score at home and I know you are)

4. I was also able to keep my promise of making today productive. I sent out those emails I needed to respond to but kept pushing off, sent out several resumes for job postings, and dealt with my stupid insurance company for hopefully the last time. I also spent 3 solid hours doing legal research and actually learned something! I even set up my calendar on my pocketPC for the next two weeks. This is actually a big step because it also means I got to throw out scattered post-it notes and little pieces of paper with small notes on them. The rest of my day was so much less important that even if I had Twitter and was the uber-twit (or is that uber-tweet), I still wouldn't tweet those details.

5. Of course the productivity ended a little after 5pm when I got a call asking if I wanted to go play tennis. I'm not all that good at tennis but I have a tendency to drop what I'm doing to play most sports. I hope to improve on both my tennis and golf games over the summer so stay tuned. Either way, after tennis, I showered and went for dinner and then it was bum-city for the rest of the night until now, as I type this. At least my day ended on a productive note!

Credits
Steve Somers - host of local sports radio show on WFAN; known for using that line on the air referring to either ad numbers or segment numbers (I don't recall having stopped listening to "The Fan" many years ago with the exception of actual sporting events)

Ted Mosby - see earlier posts

"We all wanna live forever
we all wanna be something, someday
ready to face whatever's yet to come
and I'm starting it all today"
Stir - Climbing the Walls

Ode to Hockey

The last couple of weeks have been very disappointing for my beloved New York Rangers. [That's hockey for those non-sports fans] Before last night's win, they had 2 wins in their last 14 games. Not a good stretch this late in the season.

I had the chance to watch the last 3 games in full and was reminded why the hockey, more specifically the NHL, is the greatest of all major professional sports Enjoy the list of reasons why and I await the debate that will follow.

1. Stanley Cup
   This is the holy grail of professional sports. Weighing 35 pounds and displaying the names of every player and coach from every team to win the cup, there is no championship trophy that even comes close.
2. Changing on the Fly
   If you watch the sport, you'll know what this means. For the rest of you, I will elaborate. During play, players from both teams are free to come on and off the ice so long as they don't exceed the maximum number allowed at a give time. They change shifts as players get tired or to better match the players on the opposing side. This would never work in baseball or football, but how great would it be if the NBA allowed changing on the fly?
3. True International Sport
   There is no sport played in more (real) countries and there is no sport with as many nations represented in the greatest league in the world. Baseball is a distant second, but it's easy to argue that the entire Latin America is just one nation. [No apologies to my Latino friends]. Also, the top players all time are NOT Americans.
4. Fighting
   Is there any other sport where fighting is virtually expected? Someone takes a cheap shot at your star player, you drop the stick, drop the gloves and go at it like men. It won't lead to fines or suspensions, rather a few minutes in the penalty box or possibly an ejection. Sometimes even the goalies go at it!
5. Referees
   The game is played on ice. Only in hockey are the refs in such great shape that they can skate around the ice for 60 minutes watching the play, dodging pucks and dodging players that are flying around at all times. Can you name another sport where the refs jump in the middle of a fight to try to break it up?
6. "Hits the Post!"
   There is no sound that gets a crowd up off their feet in all sports. The swoosh of a jumper doesn't make the cut and how many cracks off a baseball bat sound like a home run only to fall well short of the outfield wall? To hockey fans especially the clank off the post or crossbar is the best or worst sound one can hear in a game. If the puck is shot at your goalie, it's a gasp of relief and if your player takes the shot the crowd lets out a collective "ugh" as the puck sails to the corner.
7. The Names
   You can't make up some of these names or the nicknames. Hakan Loob, Jeff Beukeboom, Jarko Ruuto, or the legend--wait for it--dary Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, or Maurice "Rocket" Richard (who had a brother Henri known as "Pocket Rocket").
8. The Moves
   You watch SportsCenter on a given day during hockey season and you're bound to see at least on goal or save on their top plays. Search "Alex Ovechkin" on YouTube and you will see poetry in motion [I have no idea what that means]. Put him up against ANY move in basketball. It would compare closest to football where a running back makes a bunch of moves to get by the opposing defensive line. The difference is that after he gets by them, he still doesn't have a goalie blocking a goal only six feet wide.
9. The Calls
   There's something about hockey announcers that's different from any other announcer. [Disclaimer: there are always exceptions, but for the following observation, I'm speaking of the norm.] There may be an unwritten rule that announcers are not allowed to get too excited while calling a game. In hockey you don't have that. While you're on YouTube, check out the "Matteau Goal" or listen to the Pittsburgh Penguins radio voice with his growling "hhhheeee shoots he scooooores." This is more than your Marv Albert or Joe Buck. Think Al Michaels' call from the "Miracle on Ice."

Oh Canada!

Today's post is a special shout out to our neighbor to the north...good ol' Canadia [misspelling intended]

EDITOR'S NOTE: This post is especially late because now I've been back in New York for about a week and a half.

While I sit around wasting time, looking for a job, and starting a business (or 3), I figured that such a stressful life deserves a vacation. Presidents' weekend is a nice long weekend so I figured that would be a good time to go away. So then I needed to decide where to go. My income is limited so it would have to be cheap and even these days, flights are too pricey. That narrowed the vacation radius to 7 hours of driving.

What better than to spend Presidents' weekend in a country where the weekend has no significance!?!?! Montreal, here we come! So I packed my stuff and planned to visit some friends from college and their kids and other friends up there. The week leading up to the weekend happened to have been incredibly busy so planning was last minute. I packed my skis with the intention of skiing one of those days, but between everyone schedules (the friends I drove to split gas and other friends) skiing wasn't going to happen so I my skis at my friends apartment in the city.

Over the weekend we realized that this was my ninth trip to Canada. The next time I go and get my card punched, I get a free sub, or car wash, or pint of Labatt.

So here are the highs and lows from the weekend (in no order):

• Didn't see any moose
• Good homemade pancakes on Sunday with (probably) authentic maple syrup
• Didn't see any mounties
• It was a little colder than I packed for (even after traveling there twice in the last 4 years, both in the winter)
• Whatshername (there's always a girl involved)
• Making it home in 5 and a half hours even after being stopped at customs for trying to smuggle a Canadian into the states (and no crazy speeding either)
• Playing hockey with my friends oldest kid in the living room (I love hockey)
• Those kids REALLY tire me out
• Drank a lot, but didn't have any Canadian beer
• Not as much snow as I thought
• Getting out of New York
• Not exchanging any money or speaking a word of French
• Waiter at the restaurant Saturday night who was a little too excited to talk politics with an American

On a side note, while waiting for whatshername to pick me up, I found some hockey on TV. The only problem was that the game was televised in French. I know about 7 French words that have nothing to do with hockey. No problem as I watched the game on mute and listened to NHL radio. I'd rather deal with a 5 second delay in the play-by-play than have to listen to the action in French

USA! USA! USA!

Happy Friday!

To all my loyal readers, my sincerest apologies for not posting much lately. It's been a very busy week and I've been a little under the weather. Speaking of which, what does that even mean???

Today's Friday session with yours truly will be devoted to sayings that make absolutely no sense or just rub me the wrong way.

1. Under the weather
We all know this to mean that someone isn't feeling well. That could span anything from a lil tummy ache to projectile vomiting to a mild cough. But how does that have anything to do with being under the weather? Earlier this week we got about 5 inches of snow in New York. When I left my house, it snowed on me. Then, and only then, was I under the weather. When the suns rays burn my skin while I'm laying on the beach in August, Captain Weatherman would say it's sunny, and again, I would probably be under the weather. But when I'm sitting around my house and I'm seeing weather out my window that doesn't impact on me in any way until I step outside and it actually hits me.

2. Rubs me the wrong way
Anytime you hang out with a large crowd, there's always this one guy/girl who just irks you. Some say that person "rubs you the wrong way." Unless your nemesis is a licensed masseuse, chances are they are not rubbing you the wrong way. Right now I've have my Swedish "assistant" (she's definitely not a Sven) giving my a full body massage while I dictate this post to my midget personal secretary at the computer. She's rubbing me the right way, but if she did something wrong, I would surely point it out to her and tell her that she was rubbing me the wrong way.

3. Sounds like a plan
Now my personal favorite! If I tell you that I'll pick you up at 7pm and we'll go for sushi, can't you simply say "I'll see you then?" NO. That would be asking too much. Instead you have to say "sounds like a plan." I guess it is technically a plan, but it's rather weak. Maybe we should try this: You flash the valet and I'll steal all the keys till I find the nicest car on the lot. Then I'll drop the top, pull up to the front and while you're dancing in front of the valets you'll jump into the car as I speed away. We'll pull into my friend Vinnie's body shop for a quick license plate and registration swap and he'll pry off the VIN. Maybe he'll add a racing strips across the hood and trunk. Then we'll sneak out a side exit, avoid all cops, and drive off into the sunset where I'll pull over so we can eat sushi and watch the sun set. Now THAT is a plan!

Pimp My Ride - Executive Edition

Someone had this great idea a few years back of giving some rapper a piece of junk on four wheels for him to turn into a piece of junk of four wheels with a hideous paint-job and toys that no one would ever use. Only on MTV!

The show had a modest following and they've "pimped" all sorts of cars.

Today we are "pimping" the presidential limousine. Why? Because we can! Also because the most powerful man in the world should have the most awesome vehicle. We all know how ginormous his car is, given the 2-inch think armored windows, 6-inch thick armored doors, and the ability to withstand attacks from the best that over 170 countries can throw at it. I should also add that this "car" is almost as tall as our president and taller than some secret servicemen, rides on truck tires, and can probably off-road as well as most SUVs. Let's just say this Cadillac looks like a car but most suspect it's based on a GM truck platform. There's a reason that insiders have called this limo "The Beast." The exact specs for President Obama's car are classified (shocker!).

There are just a few guidelines to "pimping" such a vehicle. First, we cannot disrespect the car or rider by giving it a crazy paint job. If we are going to add an insane sound system, it can only play "Hail to the Chief." I thought about putting a giant flag on the hood but this isn't Washington Heights (and Obama isn't Dominican). Finally, no spoilers that look like park benches.

So here's the plan:
1. Lot's of chrome.
If applied properly, chrome denotes wealth. If applied incorrectly, it looks straight out of Compton. The Cadillac grille could use a little more shine and maybe some trim. OK, while I'm out it, why not model the chrome add-ons after this beauty spotted in Dubai.

2. Spinners.
How do you stop any potential assassination attempts? Distract them with the hypnotic powers of spinners. You think Lee Harvey Oswald (or that secret shooter) would have hit JFK if his car had spinners?

3. Killer sound system.
After much consideration, I think it would be the coolest thing if the presidential motorcade drove by blasting "Hail to the Chief." Turn up the base and put a giant subwoofer in the trunk. Now we're in business. Save the police sirens for an emergency.

4. Toys.
All good "pimpings" need to have toys. Considering the limo already has multiple phones (and lines), satellite TV, world radio, a well stocked bar, and the ability to control our nuclear arsenal (hopefully not while he's raiding the bar), what else does he need? Roll-out spike strips, oil slicks, smoke screens, and machine guns/rocket launchers straight out of James Bond's Aston Martin. Maybe Q and Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman in the new Batman movies) can get together and discuss other ideas.

NAME THAT MOVIE: "Hail to the chief cuz I'm the chief and I need hailing"

PS: How white am I that I use quotes around "pimped" and "pimping?"

Things that Bother Me

I may have mentioned at some point that I have no patience or tolerance. It's true. With that I bring you some of things that have bothered me lately.

Here's a collection of just a few of the things that have gotten under my skin:

1. Nancy Pelosi
OK, I get that people from California are strange and different but Madame Speaker of the House is trying to turn this country into China, and not the good kind of China. Part of the new trillion dollar economic "stimulus" plan (yes, TRILLION) includes birth control funding. Her reasoning is that "it will reduce costs to the states and federal government." (Source: ABC's This Week with George "My Last Name is a Spelling Test" Stephanopoulos). Next she's going allow Americans to keep only one child. Keep the first male child and throw the girls into the Potomac.

This comes from a woman with 5 children and, as of this posting, 6 grandchildren.

2. Hugh Jackman
How does a guy go from Wolverine on X-men to this? I don't care if you've been voted hottest man alive by a bunch of middle-aged women, you can't be Wolverine and that guy opposite Siegfried in "Siegfried and Roy." Next we'll have Clay Aiken star as the next Batman.

3. Foreign Currencies with Ridiculous Conversion Rates
Go to Japan with a crisp $20 bill and what do you get? A little over 1818 Japanese yen. 2 million of these yen will fetch you a stripped Toyota Camry while $2 million will land you any exotic supercar. I've never been to Japan but hope the smallest paper bill is a 100 yen note. I know I get excited when I look into my wallet when I see anything with a $100. If I were in Japan right now I would be carrying around roughly 5158 yen.

This goes for any country with similar conversion rates!

4. Bush Bashing
Over the last few years, Bush bashing was the "in" thing. Whether it's celebs during award shows, athletes, or the media. You know why people don't take us seriously anymore? Maybe it's because this country doesn't show any respect to the office of the president. Like the man or not, respect him for the position he holds. I know I would never want that position.

On a related note, where's Obama's exit strategy? Sure, let's close Guantanamo Bay, but where are you going to put all the prisoners? You can always send em home so we can read later that they are high ranking terrorists in Yemen. Maybe he can send em to California and reopen those internment camps that have been vacant since WWII. The media would just love that.

5. Corporate Greed
When business is booming, we love big business but in recessions, they are evil. I personally have no problem with them so long as greed never exceeds profits. The big 3 automakers got lynched for flying to D.C. in their private jets for congressional hearings to ask for money. Banks are already getting their share $700 billion and now I read that Citigroup is ready to take delivery of a rare $50 million jet. There are only 9 in the entire U.S. Way to properly spend our $45 billion in tax dollars to turn your company around.

BUT WAIT, it actually gets worse. The plane was made in France!

6. Versus and Dish Network
Versus what? Remember that station OLN? You know it...the hunting and fishing channel. Now I don't watch hunting or fishing, and have never gone hunting, but my hatred for Versus runs deep. You see, a few years back, they outbid ESPN for rights to NHL coverage. As a Rangers fan I watch most games on MSG, but on occasion Versus has the rights to the game and it's blacked out on MSG. Worse, they have the rights to the NHL All-Star Game and skills competition. It took awhile before Versus was even available to those non-rabbit ear users.

For some reason Versus is part of a premium package on Dish Network after Comcast (owns Versus) first didn't provide Versus to them. So in all my roughly 200 channels, I don't get versus and on the NFL bye week (read: no football, for you non-sportsfans) I did not get to watch the NHL All-Star Game. Stay tuned for a possible award nomination (I'm not going to say which award) for one of the parties involved with #6 come playoffs.

7. Hugh Jackman

Living the I-Society

...no, it's not a new product from Apple.

There are few things I enjoy more than getting dressed up and pretending to be part of high society. I am not rich, in fact I have a law degree and only a part-time job, while carrying a boatload of debt. That still doesn't mean that I can't pretend I'm wealthy every so often. We're talking about attending fundraisers for causes I believe in, networking events with those more successful than I, and the occasional movie premiere (and party). The return on this investment makes it all worth it as I get good use of my tux and suits while also enjoying the networking, catered meals, and open bars. To be honest, the "high society" that I meet at these events are no different than I am--other than a bloated salary. We both need a private elevator car to fit our egos.

This rant is geared towards the I-Society, or the society of "me." We're living in a time where selfishness is prevelant. We fail to se how our actions can impact others. No, I'm not going to segue into global warming (ehem, SHAM!) or socialism. We all know that socialism does not work. Even kibbutz life is on the decline and that is the longest surviving instance of working socialism. I will break my rule about not delving into politics (because I can) and say that any plan to redistrbute wealth on a national level is just a terrible idea (but it does work in professional sports).

ANYWAY, I'm thinking that the problem lies with Apple. Ladies and gentleman, I stand here today to tell you that Steve Jobs is the root of the downturn of society. I don't (really) mean that literally. Apple has made its resurgence with products that preach to the I-Society. Take the iMac, designed with the user in mind, which in many ways outperforms the PC (and looks nicer). Ever hear of the iPod or iPhone? Same thing! Now people ride the subways with their little white earbuds and tune out the world. Marketing an entire portfolio of products that start with "I" is subliminally turning us away from human interaction leading to an inability to function as a society.

Coming soon to a MacWorld convention:
1. The iTown: small parcels of land in their own bubbles; similar to a garage door, a latch at the top of the bubble allows the flying iCars to get residents to and from home.
2. The iStoop: individual stoops for bums to gather with their booze in brown bags; never again will bums congregate on a single stoop
3. The iCan: a briefcase that when opened becomes a personal toilet; never again will peopel have to share a bathroom. Kinda looks like the original iBook BEWARE: if you run out of toilet paper, don't expect anyone to share a square.

CONFESSION: Forgive me William Gates for I have sinned. I gave in to the temptation of greed and own an iPod shuffle (only cost me $100,000) and the sin of lust. In my defense, the iPhone looks so cool!

Got Blogs?

While this is my first blog and I've been at it for a whopping 5 days, I am not exactly new to the blogosphere. I may have waiting until the waning hours of 2008 to write my own, but I have been visiting blogs for years.

My first time (still talking about blogging) was in college when we had a class blog. I would read it semi-regularly and comment less regularly. It was one of those classes that was known to be an easy A (which I got) and counted towards my business minor.

Since then I've moved into blogs about topics that interest me and later started following my friends' blogs. Now that (in your best Kramer voice) I'm out there [Jerry] and loving every minute of it, I'll share some of the blogs I follow. On the right side of the page I included this (growing) list of my top blogs.

If you have a blog and want a shout out, leave a comment.

1. AUTOBLOG - Updates on everything cars. News, concepts and can't wait for the full Detroit Auto Show preview. (I'm a bit of a car nut)

2. DON'T STOP BELIEVING! - Law school friend and classmate, who like me is wasting away on the blogosphere rather than making a REAL difference in the world (but she did vote)

3. ENGADGET - All things technology. Yeah, there are lots of geek toys but some of those toys we expected to see at the start of this millennium (ya know, the year 2000, the future!). A few have actually been developed in some form. I like expensive toys and between this blog and Autoblog, I anxiously wait for my flying car but will settle for a Back to the Future hovercraft.

4. GET LUCKY - friend who introduced me to GOOD scotch. That's an automatically shout out.

5. SHE'S JUST THAT GIRL - the only girl I know who can match my sarcasm

Honorable Mention: Ryan Star - Singer, songwriter and reality TV star (not the girl from American Idol).

Can't Forget Resolutions

I know I mentioned in my first post that I don't make resolutions because I can't keep them but I decided to make some anyway. It's my blog and I make the rules. I can lie, cheat, steal, and contradict myself on this blog whenever I want. The stuff that makes the world go round. I'm not like that in real life BUT on my virtual soapbox, societal rules can be slightly bent.

So here are my New Years resolutions:

7. Start smoking
6. Drink more
5. Get back in touch with the friends I've neglected when law school took over my life.
4. Make a point to hang out with friends I no longer see everyday even with all of our hideously awful schedules
3. Start womanizing
2. Stop going to the gym
1. Have 3 businesses up and running by the end of the year.

...Maybe this is why I can't keep my resolutions